GTA 4 PC is FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

gta41

The game took about 2 and a half hours to install. I wish I was exaggerating that, but @WNDUPhenom on Twitter was there the whole time to witness it. It was awful. Then once I finally had it installed, I had to sign up for Rockstar's Social Club, as well as Games for Windows FAIL (though I already had this due to Gears of War). Then once I finally booted up the game, it downloaded an update for LIVE, then restarted the game. Then after I got BACK into the game, it made me accept the LIVE terms of service. OK fine, but there was still a catch. It would minimize the game, LAUNCH a web browser, and make me accept the terms there. Better yet, once the browser launched, the page couldn't be found! Not to mention the page was on the XBOX section of the site, not the games for windows section. So I had to find the ToC myself, THEN accept it, THEN relaunch the game.
Then it let me play.
The game is fun, so I could almost forgive all of that. But the performance issues were very present. I ran the game at 1650X1050 with all settings on medium and averaged 17-20 FPS. Now you've gotta be kidding me, I get better framerates in Crysis on the Very High settings at that same resolution. There is no convincing me that GTA 4 has more intensive graphics techniques implemented than Crysis. My rig, shown on my profile is no slouch. It should eat this game alive.
But I tried to ignore it, and persisted.
Rockstar released a patch the other day, 'fixing' many performance issues. Well, that's what the dev notes said anyways. I downloaded it the other day but hadn't tried playing.
I've had a rough week. It's been long, it's been stressful, and today I had a rare bit of free time before work, and I was a little gloomy, so I thought playing a game might make things better.
Fired up GTA4 and loaded up my game. To my complete surprise, my character would spin in circles nonstop, as if I was mousing up/left infinitely. Outside of that, I had no input at all. Something was inhibiting my commands in game. I restarted the game, restarted my PC, nothing fixed the problem. It seemed as if the game thought I had an XBOX controller attatched, for it was shown in the options.
I don't have said controller. I have an old Logitech USB rumblepad. It's currently in my drawer, most definitely NOT plugged into my PC.
I switched it off, souring my mood even more. Did some research, and found this nugget of joy . Take a look at the section about the look/spin/stuck key issue. Look at their solution. Just look at it. I'll wait.
...
Back? Are you facepalming as bad as I did? Rockstar's serious, literal, honest-to-god temp fix is that the gamers UNINSTALL their directinput drivers for their input devices.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. OF ALL THE ABSURD THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I BROKE MY CAPS LOCK IN RAGE.
I.. I can't get over how insulting this port is. And the best part of all of this? I don't even have a controller plugged in or installed, so their bogus temp fix doesn't even work for me!
I can't play GTA 4 until they release another patch. How's that spent money treating me? Piss-poor, that's how.

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